Wednesday, February 19, 2020

Opening up

Opening up to people don’t come easy
I’ve been like this since I was younger. I use to express myself only to be made fun of or for someone to use my words against me later. So I put a wall. I only let people close enough but I couldn’t break down that wall. That wall has been my comfort blanket for year. Over the past few years I’ve let a few people in past the wall, but for my protect there was another wall after that one. I know some people are hurt at times by my walls but it’s hard to let people. Losing people is one of my biggest fear and if I let someone in and they leave. 
For months I’ve been pushing people away because I’ve been feeling unwanted and like burden. Instead of taking about how I felt , i took a step back to see who would reach out. I felt like everyone was moving on in their lives without me which made me spiral. I went to my online therapist, Twitter to air how I was feeling.  Which only pushed people further away. I felt so alone. In this bubble called life with no one. So many nights I cried myself to sleep wondering what I could do to get back to happy self. 
I eventually reached out to a friend to express how I’ve been feeling and she told me things that hurt her as well. It felt so good to let out those emotions in hopes of fixing a broken relationship that I’ve injured. Realizing that my toxic traits has affected someone else really opened my eyes 
I’m still working on pulling myself out of this dark place but at least I can admit to myself that I’m there working on climbing out. 


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