Saturday, December 28, 2019

Decade Recap

This decade was rough.

From my mother being diagnosed with breast cancer(2010) to her passing a few years later ( April 2013). To having to move into my aunt's house right after my mother’s passing. Then getting kicked out 7 months while still getting back on track. Moving in with my pastor , which was an amazing blessing. Then finally seeing a small light at the end of my tunnel I got my apartment. I thought things was finally working out for me. Then July 2014 my father passed away. I used my last bit of money to pay my uncle to take me to Georgia for his funeral (and 4 hours after the funeral he said we had to go back to Illinois, I wasn’t even in Georgia for 24 hours). That’s a whole other story, maybe one day I’ll tell it. After getting back from Georgia I felt things was getting worst everyday. The job I had lined up was no longer available to me. How could I pay rent? Pay utilities? Or eat? My savings was getting lower and lower, I had to start selling things to pay the rent. My Aunt and  two cousins moved into my one bedroom apartment that I shared with my brother. And my anxiety and depression was at its highest point. I was applying to jobs like crazy but still no luck. All I asked my aunt to do was provide food for the home and you would’ve thought I asked her to pay all bills. So she bought groceries once and then after only bought her and children take out. I was livid, I was selling all my things to pay every bill and she couldn’t even pay for food. I would’ve been happy with ramen but I guess that was too much. After venting to my friend for weeks about what I was going through shit hit the fan. She told my aunt about how I was feeling and my aunt felt attacked. Words was exchanged and they ended up moving out that night. She moved in with her sister ( my aunt) who had 5 bedroom house 5 minutes away. 

I was now all alone because by this time my brother was back at his university. I was at the darkest place of my life, I had no family it was just me in this apartment I could no longer afford. If it wasn’t for my best friend having her aunt to hire me for random jobs she needed done I would have starved. I made $60 last for a month of groceries. I had a car but I couldn’t afford the gas to put in it. My amazing friend Jamie would pick me up every Sunday for church and would take me to the dollar tree, Aldi and Wal-Mart to get my groceries for the week. God blessed me with some amazing Angels without them I honestly think I would be dead now. Thinking back on the apartment and what I was mentally going through I am surprised  didn’t commit suicide. God got me through some really dark days. Some days I would just lay there become I felt defeated, I would look out the window watching the day go back , sunrise to sunset. Of course I got evicted, thankfully my church paid for a few months of a storage unit and a train ride to move to the town my brother lived in. After getting here I got a job and have worked there ever since. As much as my job gets on my nerves it has been a major blessing.

 I lost ones the loved the most ( my mama, daddy, granny and two friends in 2019). I was at my lowest moments of my life. Now I’ve gained new friendship, traveled, new experiences and love. I’ve grown so much from the hard times ( and I didn’t even tell it all). I’ve grown so much closer to God. I am nothing without him. I know I have a bigger purpose in life because I am still here. I’m excited to see what God has I store for me this new decade.

xoxo 
Britttany

Sunday, December 15, 2019

2019: A Year Of Healing

2019 has been a major healing year.
I felt myself potentially going down the rabbit hole again. I was toxic to myself and allowing toxic people  to affect my life. At end of 2018 I cut ties with the only man I’ve ever loved. On the outside I looked like this strong independent woman but on the inside I was broken. I gained so much weight and was secretly drinking a lot. I felt alone even when surrounded by others.
 I keep a lot to myself because I truly hate venting to friends. Too many times I’ve vented and felt regret instantly. Some may think I’m closed off but I’ve been burned too many times after telling someone my business. I’ve had “family” throw things in my face after telling them how I felt about something. 
I noticed I didn’t know how to let out my feelings.For the longest I would hold things in until I couldn’t anymore and ended up lashing out at people. 
My life saver came to me in August, Nola. Nola is a beagle / lab mix I adopted from a local rescue. I instantly feel in love with her. Nola first day home she went straight to her bed and laid down, I couldn’t help it I cried. I finally was feeling pure joy and happiness for the first time in a while but that moment went away once I got laughed at by the ones around me for showing my emotions. 
In August I also started therapy, something I haven’t done since my freshman year of college (2008). Therapy has been a major life saver for me. I’m no where near fully healed but I’m on the right path. I’m processing things I would normally put into a little box. I’ve also started taking anti-depressant, something I always told myself I would never do. I thought I could pray the depression and anxiety away when God was actually leading me to something that can help. I’m in a better place than I was January 1st and I thank God for that daily. 2020 I see more healing, growth, love and peace.


xoxo 
Brittany Morgan